What a beautiful noise....

The other night Mitchial and Samuel wanted to capture the moon and the first star as they were rising before the sun had said goodnight. Easier said than done with 2 wiggly boys and light fading quickly (and no professional photographer :) I let them each have their turn. Excitement brimming over the top to see if they could catch the moon. As they quieted down to hold still, all the night sounds starting waking.
I loved it...the boys started to whisper secrets thinking only they could hear. Crickets were waking, frogs were talking, birds had quieted down for the night. It's like we could hear the bats we saw sweeping over our heads. I told the boys this was the magical hour when daytime and nighttime meet for just a few seconds, smile, then go their separate ways. Their eyes sparkled, their mouths yawned and I knew our fun had come to an end. Bedtime had arrived. Later that night I couldn't help but catch the beautiful noise from each of my children....the sighs...the whispers of I love you in their ears. The sweet breathe, in and out , in and out, I never tire of watching their little hearts beat perfectly. How blessed I am for these beautiful noises!

Bella dreaming of Goodnight moon!

Tim dreaming of It's time for bed little one

Mitchial with barky Marky dreaming of Hickory dickory dock

And my sweet Sam dreaming of Little Pea!!

It's all these sounds of life, coming in to my room. Sounds that I love! It's the music of life!!

Where is heaven? psst I know!!!

Pictures of heaven on earth!!

When I was growing up my older brothers sang; Where is heaven, by Janice Kapp Perry. I was always left troubled, I didn't know how far it was to heaven or where it really was. No one sat down and explained it to me. So on Memorial day when we were visiting graves and Samuel asked me where heaven was, I was ready.

Earlier in the year I watched a special on tv about what leaders of different faiths thought about heaven. I remember writing down some of their answers in hope of finding my own.

Rev. Calvin Butts said "You don't necessarily have to look up but you can look out and see heaven." I liked that answer!

Pastor Ted Haggard said " I think life is a sort of weigh station on the way to our eternal home. Our purpose of life is to glorify God and go to heaven...cause' heaven is our home."

The Dalai Lama said "as a buddist I don't think necessarily heaven and hell happen in some other life. I think it's right now."

I went to the temple and found the true answer. I believe it is all around us. We are blessed with family not only here on earth but in the heavens watch over us and protect us. I know they are just a prayer away. We might not always see them, but they are there. My answer to Samuel was to point out the beauty all around us. To help him feel the heavenly love. We came home and I showed him pictures of our family and told him stories, I held him close and as we sat on the couch 4 little birds came to our tree outside our front window. He looks up, "mom look, grandma sent them." He smiled then ran off to play. But I went to the window and all but one bird flew off. We just looked at each other, but before flying off I said a quick prayer of thanks for letting us see a bit of heaven!

On the 12th it will be 2 years since my mom passed. I miss her dearly but I know she lives and is busy in heaven and watches over us. I love you forever mom

Dad and Debbie

Heavenly Mother's Day!!

This Mother's Day I was prepared to send gifts to heaven!! I found a small porcelain box (not like the picture) that had a small bird on the top lid, and on the sides it said Have Faith, and Don't forget the Power of Prayer with a dove carrying a flower in it's mouth.
I told the kids to each pick out a "special" item that they wanted to send to Grandma. I explained that this box was magic and whatever you put in it would be carried to heaven, just for Grandma! So off they went, Mitchial came back with two safety pins with flowered beads on them, Bella came up with a pink ribbon we tied into a bow. Timothy gave up his little paper umbrella that Aunt Nikki gave him. All the boys decided they wanted to send a special marble they found outside in the garden , so in it went. Samuel was having a hard time deciding, but late on the night before I was headed up to her grave, he came and gave me a yellow rock, with tears in his eyes, he told me that Grandma would need a yellow rock. My sweet boy.
I put in a red heart and a crystal heart, the red symbolizes my heart and how it feels... sometimes still broken from her loss and missing her; and the crystal one symbolizes our eternal family. Guy added a note thanking her for all she has done. I added in my note to heaven, thanks to her for giving me life, for never giving up on me and always loving me. I hoped that our prayers reached her and she felt our love.
How thankful I am for my mother and to be a mother.
I am blessed. I am loved. I am thankful.

Here if you need me...what do I need?

The other day I found myself in a situation not equipped with the tools I needed. I was alone, scared and didn't know what to do. So I just stood there, waiting I guess for the situation to fix it's self. It didn't, but sometime during this overwhelming situation, I looked up to see a book. Out of thousands of books, this book caught my eye and, for the moment, saved me. It's Here if you need me. It's not a mind boggling book, or a life changer. But in it and through it I have found many treasures.

So many people have asked how they can help. I always have the same reply....I don't know? I wish I knew how to help myself. But this book, in it's silly ways, has helped me know how to help others and how they can help me. Just be there. Sounds easy, but a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold can mean the world of difference.

In my book the author was asked after her husband had died if she believed in God, and if she did how could she after He took her kids dad and her husband. While thinking on that question, she remembers hours after her husbands passing her elderly neighbor whom she rarely saw, showed up with warm brownies and tears in her eyes and said, "I just heard and didn't know what else to do. I'm here if you need me." and left. The author said she saw then and there the works of God and felt Gods love. So I am not saying I need brownies I am just saying be like Him.

That's how I need you!

This is MY road!

My road to recovery is just like everyone of these pictures.....sometimes it is bumpy. Sometimes it is black and white and stormy, and sometimes I can see a rainbow at the end of the road. I like those days! There are more of those days too!
I was warned that my road will be bumpy, full of ups and downs, but my Heavenly Father has blessed me with an amazing husband and great support system. My Dad asked me one day if he could have done something different in raising me that would have prevented this from happening. "No, Dad. This is just one of my trials." With tears in his eyes he asked if he could take this trial for me. I know my husband would do the same for me. I am a blessed woman.

So as I progress down my road, I thank my husband for the unconditional love he has shown me. For his arms finding me in the night as I cry. For his prayers. I thank my Dad and Debbie for their prayers. For a my fathers love and concern. I am thankful for all my family and friends who have shown that no matter what, they are there. I am thankful for my Heavenly Father and his love and my testimony of Him. All is not lost. He is real and hears my prayers. I matter. I am a daughter of God and He loves me.

Fragile! Handle with care!

Fragile. Easily broken, not secure.

Unlikely to withstand any sever stresses and strains, Laking emotional strength.

I am this box!

I hate it. I don't like it. I am not choosing to feel this way but still I wake to find myself not being able to handle my children. My own little ones I gave birth to. How is that possible, that my body that produced, them can't care for them? I take that back, the body can, the mind can't. I am fragile. There, I said it. Unfortunately it is going to take awhile for me to get "better". I am so thankful for everyone who has offered their love and support.

The big "D" Word!

Depression. It isn't a pretty word. It wasn't a pretty word in the 20's and it isn't a pretty word now. I have prayed long and hard on how to describe my situation to my friends and family. It's scary being where I have been and where I am now. No amount of "self talk" helps. In your mind you know it is wrong but you can't do anything about it. Let me clarify a bit.

I love this picture. I have stared at it, studying every detail, trying to feel what she was feeling. I think I feel like her, children by my side, overwhelmed. My face is in my hand trying to keep it up because if I move it surely it would fall.

In this picture I am so tired I don't smile, I don't cry, I just sit, I can't move, I am paralyzed with pain. I am worried, my kids are hungry, I don't have the energy to feed them, I lose patience with them then feel angry at myself for losing patience. "Why" I ask myself.

My kids are feeling it now. They are losing their joy. They fight more. I sleep more. I am tired, tired of it all, but I don't know what it is exactly. Everything is always dirty. I can't keep up. I am losing faith. I feel that I am not a good mother. I am stopping. That's it. I am stopping. I can't keep going. I don't have the strength. I can't see into the future, I can't see clearly, big things I can't comprehend, so they don't even exist. Small problems are huge and unbearable. Therefore I sit, my children by my side crying, probably, and me just sitting because that is all I can manage right now.

That was me a couple weeks ago. I was sad and embarrassed but knew I needed help. My Dr. said the only way I could get the meds I needed was to be admitted to the hospital. Right away I thought I couldn't do that with all my kids, but in the same thought...how could I not. Thursday night I was admitted to the hospital where I would stay for a week to get the help and meds I needed to be Jill again. It is embarrassing to share this story, but in a way liberating.

It is me. I made it through the rain. I am on my way to being me!