This is MY road!

My road to recovery is just like everyone of these pictures.....sometimes it is bumpy. Sometimes it is black and white and stormy, and sometimes I can see a rainbow at the end of the road. I like those days! There are more of those days too!
I was warned that my road will be bumpy, full of ups and downs, but my Heavenly Father has blessed me with an amazing husband and great support system. My Dad asked me one day if he could have done something different in raising me that would have prevented this from happening. "No, Dad. This is just one of my trials." With tears in his eyes he asked if he could take this trial for me. I know my husband would do the same for me. I am a blessed woman.

So as I progress down my road, I thank my husband for the unconditional love he has shown me. For his arms finding me in the night as I cry. For his prayers. I thank my Dad and Debbie for their prayers. For a my fathers love and concern. I am thankful for all my family and friends who have shown that no matter what, they are there. I am thankful for my Heavenly Father and his love and my testimony of Him. All is not lost. He is real and hears my prayers. I matter. I am a daughter of God and He loves me.

Fragile! Handle with care!

Fragile. Easily broken, not secure.

Unlikely to withstand any sever stresses and strains, Laking emotional strength.

I am this box!

I hate it. I don't like it. I am not choosing to feel this way but still I wake to find myself not being able to handle my children. My own little ones I gave birth to. How is that possible, that my body that produced, them can't care for them? I take that back, the body can, the mind can't. I am fragile. There, I said it. Unfortunately it is going to take awhile for me to get "better". I am so thankful for everyone who has offered their love and support.

The big "D" Word!

Depression. It isn't a pretty word. It wasn't a pretty word in the 20's and it isn't a pretty word now. I have prayed long and hard on how to describe my situation to my friends and family. It's scary being where I have been and where I am now. No amount of "self talk" helps. In your mind you know it is wrong but you can't do anything about it. Let me clarify a bit.

I love this picture. I have stared at it, studying every detail, trying to feel what she was feeling. I think I feel like her, children by my side, overwhelmed. My face is in my hand trying to keep it up because if I move it surely it would fall.

In this picture I am so tired I don't smile, I don't cry, I just sit, I can't move, I am paralyzed with pain. I am worried, my kids are hungry, I don't have the energy to feed them, I lose patience with them then feel angry at myself for losing patience. "Why" I ask myself.

My kids are feeling it now. They are losing their joy. They fight more. I sleep more. I am tired, tired of it all, but I don't know what it is exactly. Everything is always dirty. I can't keep up. I am losing faith. I feel that I am not a good mother. I am stopping. That's it. I am stopping. I can't keep going. I don't have the strength. I can't see into the future, I can't see clearly, big things I can't comprehend, so they don't even exist. Small problems are huge and unbearable. Therefore I sit, my children by my side crying, probably, and me just sitting because that is all I can manage right now.

That was me a couple weeks ago. I was sad and embarrassed but knew I needed help. My Dr. said the only way I could get the meds I needed was to be admitted to the hospital. Right away I thought I couldn't do that with all my kids, but in the same thought...how could I not. Thursday night I was admitted to the hospital where I would stay for a week to get the help and meds I needed to be Jill again. It is embarrassing to share this story, but in a way liberating.

It is me. I made it through the rain. I am on my way to being me!

I missed the class on parenting....

This week has been a rough one. I have been sick as well as every stinkin person in our house! Seriously it is enough to make me crazy!! I have gone through 2 cans of Lysol and bought a huge 3 pack of Clorox wipes, I have washed all our bedding, walls, bathrooms trying to kill our germs!

While I have had pneumonia I clean alittle then lay down, and every time I get up from laying down the house is a mess. How come my kids don't know already the you don't throw couch pillows everywhere, you don't eat popcorn and leave it down to get all the kernels dumped out, you also don't eat otter pops in the house!!! You don't eat only half you banana and leave the other half on the bing bags. I could go on and on. I feel very frustrated because every time I turn around my house looks like it exploded!!

I don't know what to do, I have tried yelling , making charts, warning them before I go lay down, you name it and it still happens. Do I have the naughtiest kids, or am I the worst mom. Every night I pray for answers and wake up in the morning with kids that haven't' changed :)

Where has January gone?

Mitchial's 9th birthday!

Cool cobra cake made by Uncle Troy!

Our train ride to SLC!!

Our dreaded dead washer!

Our happy new washer!

What a month!! How time flies when your having fun...right. Whatever!

Our washer had been giving us grief but nothing big. I had noticed a small amount of wet concrete by the washer but wasn't too worried. I just thought that because our washer had been off balance some water leaked out. I won't forget that awful Friday night when I went downstairs to switch laundry out, I stepped off the last step and my foot was covered in water. AAGGGGGHHHH! I grew up with a flooding basement and hated it every time. I immediately hollered for Guy and together we started the cleanup. I do have to say that we were very blessed, the water did not get any of our food and missed the water heater and furnace by a foot. Heavenly Father was watching over us. It seems weird to say that when it was such a mess, but our disaster could have been much worse.

Guy studied up on the internet and thought he knew how to fix the washer. He went to SLC and bought a 70 dollar part (which can't be returned) and proceeded to fix the washer. He put a small load of clothes in and started the cycle only to watch the washer continue to fill and start flooding again. Not good. After further investigation, he found that our drum was cracked and by time we got it fixed ( and hoping nothing else went wrong) it would be cheaper or the same price as to get a new one! I have always wanted a front loader, but when you are forced to buy, it is not as much fun! Oh well. Now I have my washer:)

The 24th... Mitchial and Ian's birthday!

Ian never made it out to our house for the day, so Mitch celebrated by himself. Uncle Troy made a cool cobra cake that made all the boys happy! We are so thankful for Ian and Mitchial. They are wonderful boys and we couldn't live without them!! love you boys

The kids and I were able to ride the train to SLC with Aunt Nikki and family. What a great day. I defiantly would not have been able to do that without help. The kids were crazy with energy, and I was always afraid of one running off or getting stuck on the train without me! All went well and we had a great time!!

Happy holiday's!!

Timothy and Dad playing with the new race track!!

Family at Temple square for a cousins wedding reception.

Tired Santa baby!!

The official reading of the night before Christmas!!

Christmas jammies!!

This year was a wonderful Christmas!! The kids weren't angels but they were still good enough that Santa came!! Samuel was of course the first one up at 6 am. Nothing can keep that kid in bed, no matter what time he goes to sleep he always wakes up early!! The rest of the family got up about 7. Bella was pretty grumpy until she got to finally open up gifts!! She got 6 teeth this past month and has not been happy. We were able to see most of Guys family on Christmas which was fun. We sure do miss the rest of the family!!

do believe everyone got what they wanted, except me. I wanted my throat better, it is 3 weeks since I got my tonsills out and I still have a sore throat. Oh well. I am thankful for all the blessings we have received this year. We have great neighbors, family and a wonderful ward. We have so much to be thankful for. Now on to a new a better year!!

Happy...mmmmmmm maybe!

Is it me or do the holidays get a bit overwhelming? It seemed the week of thanksgiving started the "busy" season. I try to remind myself that it is a "happy" time of year and I shouldn't be stressed so much. I worry that the kids won't have enough presents, then when I buy something I worry about money. I worry about getting the right gifts for family and getting them to their destinations on time. Now to put a kink in the process I am getting my tonsil's out on the 9th. Oh well, what is a little more drama.

This thanksgiving was wonderful. My brother and his wonderful wife put up with my family for a couple days. It is nice to get away and be with family. I am thankful to have family close and will make more of an effort to get together because it is so much fun. I am thankful that my husband has a job and I can stay home with the kids. (I know I actually said it, I am happy to stay at home:) I am thankful that the kids are well, that our cars run, and that we have a warm home. I guess when I get stressed I should just blog because already I fell calmer.

Just a funny note to end on, yesterday we had lunch with our insurance lady. I had to bring Tim and Bella and thought things were going to be fine, I told Tim he had to be very quiet and color so Guy and I could go through paperwork. He was doing great until he stood up in the booth and states that his pee pee sure itches. He then starts itching. We tried to ignore it but when the booth next to you is laughing it gets hard. Next time he is going to his cousins house!!! Happy holidays!!!