Depression. It isn't a pretty word. It wasn't a pretty word in the 20's and it isn't a pretty word now. I have prayed long and hard on how to describe my situation to my friends and family. It's scary being where I have been and where I am now. No amount of "self talk" helps. In your mind you know it is wrong but you can't do anything about it. Let me clarify a bit.
I love this picture. I have stared at it, studying every detail, trying to feel what she was feeling. I think I feel like her, children by my side, overwhelmed. My face is in my hand trying to keep it up because if I move it surely it would fall.
In this picture I am so tired I don't smile, I don't cry, I just sit, I can't move, I am paralyzed with pain. I am worried, my kids are hungry, I don't have the energy to feed them, I lose patience with them then feel angry at myself for losing patience. "Why" I ask myself.
My kids are feeling it now. They are losing their joy. They fight more. I sleep more. I am tired, tired of it all, but I don't know what it is exactly. Everything is always dirty. I can't keep up. I am losing faith. I feel that I am not a good mother. I am stopping. That's it. I am stopping. I can't keep going. I don't have the strength. I can't see into the future, I can't see clearly, big things I can't comprehend, so they don't even exist. Small problems are huge and unbearable. Therefore I sit, my children by my side crying, probably, and me just sitting because that is all I can manage right now.
That was me a couple weeks ago. I was sad and embarrassed but knew I needed help. My Dr. said the only way I could get the meds I needed was to be admitted to the hospital. Right away I thought I couldn't do that with all my kids, but in the same thought...how could I not. Thursday night I was admitted to the hospital where I would stay for a week to get the help and meds I needed to be Jill again. It is embarrassing to share this story, but in a way liberating.
It is me. I made it through the rain. I am on my way to being me!
13 comments:
Hang in there Jill! I love you girl, you are an amazing person! Good luck let me know if there is anything I can do to help. your cute kids are always welcome to come play at my house if you need a break!
I think it's wonderful you can realize that you can let others know so they can pray for you and help you. I hope things continue to get better for you. Wish I lived closer so I could help. All my Love!
Love you.
Yes you are on a way to a better YOU! I know you can do it, hang in there!! And remember I'm only a phone call or facebook chat away. Love you!!!
Jill, Good for you. It is so hard to get help, I am so glad you did. I had to do it at one point in my life too, and I think you would be supprized how many people have gone through it. Please call me if you need someone to talk to. I know I am far away, But we can always talk. Take care of your self. love you
Jenny
You may be embarrassed but you are also brave.
--Myndi, Book Club
Most important part I think is knowing who you are and not being ashamed of it. I remember this photo and find it appropriate it was taken by Dorothea Lange who is famous for her photos of the great depression. Love ya sis!
Jill, you should not be embarrased to share this! I suffer from very bad anxiety with a little depression and have been on medicine for it for a little while now. It is not something to be ashamed of, and once you figure it out it is so nice to be able to get meds that can help and have the support of your friends and family. Love you girl!!!
You are not alone. Love you!
Jill, I think so many people are on your side cause you are such an awesome person and brighten everybody's day, I have always thought so. Did you know you and your husband were the first people to talk to us when we moved in the ward, I still remember that. I hope you get feeling "yourself" soon, with dark times you've gotta know the light is around the corner, that's what I tell myself!
Love ya girl! Look forward to a girls night out when you are ready.
Sometimes I think you are the older sister. You have the wisdom and abilities I do not. I am proud of who you are and what you do. Know I love you and your quirks as you love us and ours.
Ingot. Mahal kita.
Jill, I love you! You inspire me and teach me. Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing your personal experience with depression. You have given me strength to fight my depression as well. I've been taking medication for some time now and it truly changed my life. I really felt happier than I ever have, but I seem to be in a spot right now and I'm going to fight it. I am starting a blog about my experiences and will share it with you once I've gotten it going. Please know that you have been and will always be in my thoughts and prayers. You are strong and an amazing woman! Wish you the best in your efforts. Love you.
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